Although masculinity is a sliding scale and it is doubtful whether there is such a thing as an archetypal universal man, the image of “man” seems to be shifting more and more towards that part of the spectrum where it has strong similarities with the feminine spectrum. Where previously in commercials, iconic men with faces like they were carved from solid granite and stubble like an unplowed corn field would smoke Marlboros denim-clad on their sweaty horses, the average modern man no longer shows himself without ankle-less socks. Apparently showing a hairy ankle is now the epitome of male sexy.
Behold the modern metro man, adorned in skinny jeans and the aforementioned ankle-less socks. Complementing this is a shirt-like robe that is too long for a shirt but too short to call it a dress. To complete the look, he adds a pair of sneakers in an almost feng shui-like ton sur ton.
Before this casual yet cosmopolitan man goes out the door, he takes a quick look at his hairstyle. Hmmmm……is he feeling robust today? Modest? A bit rebellious? He opens his “toolbox” and today opts for the bio-degradable hair fixation compound from a manufacturer who adopts a compensatory tree in Kazakhstan, or whatever, with every bottle sold, so he can appear groomed and be morally upright. Swell.
To his horror, he sees in the mirror that he is a little dry around the nose and under the eyes. Don’t worry, the modern metro man has an effective ointment for that too. Quickly a jar is opened and a buttery-soft elixir of coconut extract, enriched with jojoba, lima bean and extracted beaver’s anal gland juice (yes, really) is applied to the face with surgical precision.
And now the modern man is finally ready to take the kids to school with his climate-neutral cargo bike, of course with helmet. He likes a bit of risk now and then, but he is not reckless. It is a truly excellent example of time management, how this man can manage his personal care while subject to the hectic pace of family life. On his way back, at that hip bohème coffee shop, he happily orders a decaf soy latte caramel with a yin-yang pattern in the foam. “Like, totally posting this on insta.” Modern maleness is mostly conveyed through posting on socials, you know.
For a guy like me, these ointment men might as well be from another planet. I can only cringe and dream nostalgically of old commercials that glorified the strength and virility of men. In which buff guys with their sweaty sculpted bodies rode towards the horizon on horses tamed with their bare hands. Even I, a staunch straight male, can daydream about a sweaty gardener who takes his shirt off to enjoy a cold Coke, while being gawked at by some girls which have horny oozing out their pores. Those men built stuff with the sweat of their brow, tamed entire landscapes, or were on the way to adventure. Now it’s already an adventure when the ointments run out.
I say, “Man, be a man!” Celebrate your masculinity, throw that pike-perch that you wrestled out of the water with your “toxic masculinity” onto the grill. Light it with a match struck under your shoe. Throw that trendy bitch-ass cider in the trash and open a Bourbon, make a fist of your face and smoke a cigar Cint Eastwood-style. Beat your chest like a gorilla in heat, rub your chest hair and scream: “Yes, I am a man!” Screw conventions and let’s just pretend that the archetypal man exists and celebrate him!
